Objectives
By the end of this module you will be able to:
- Describe common sleep changes in grief.
- Use practical habits that support sleep and rest.
- Prepare a plan for night waking.
- Recognize sleep problems that need a doctor.
Lesson
Why grief disrupts sleep
Many grieving people find it hard to fall asleep, wake often, wake very early, have vivid dreams about the person who died, or feel exhausted no matter how long they stay in bed. Night can be when the house is quietest and the loss feels loudest. The bed itself may be where a partner used to sleep. Worry about practical matters often arrives at 3 a.m.
For most adults, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and Sleep Research Society recommend regularly getting seven or more hours of sleep a night for good health (2015 joint consensus statement). In grief, that may not be possible for a while. The goal is not perfect sleep. It is to protect rest where you can, and to notice when sleep problems need professional help.
Habits that support sleep
These are general habits that help many people. Try one or two at a time rather than all at once.
- Keep a steady wake-up time most days, even after a poor night. This helps the body's clock.
- Get daylight early. Step outside or sit by a bright window in the morning.
- Wind down. Spend the last 30 to 60 minutes before bed doing something calm and screen-light: a warm shower, gentle music, reading, prayer.
- Watch caffeine and alcohol. Caffeine late in the day can delay sleep. Alcohol may make you drowsy, but it tends to disturb sleep later in the night.
- Make the space work for you. Cool, dark, and quiet helps many people. Some find comfort in sleeping with a piece of the person's clothing; others need to rearrange the room or sleep somewhere else for a while. Both are fine.
- Keep naps short and early if you take them, so they do not crowd out night sleep.
- Park your worries earlier. Writing down worries and to-do items in the early evening can keep them from showing up at bedtime (see the practice below).
When you wake in the night
Have a simple plan ready, so you do not have to think when you are tired:
- Keep lights low and avoid checking the time over and over.
- Try a steadying practice from Module 2 or the Trace the Frame practice from Module 3, if breathing is comfortable for you.
- If you have been awake a long time and feel frustrated, get up, go to another dim room, do something quiet, and return to bed when you feel sleepy.
- Keep a notebook by the bed for thoughts that will not leave you alone. Write them down and tell yourself you will deal with them tomorrow.
- If night is when grief feels unbearable, it is okay to call or text 988 at any hour, or a trusted friend who has said they are available.
When to see a doctor about sleep
Make an appointment with your doctor if:
- Trouble sleeping lasts more than a few weeks or is getting worse.
- Daytime sleepiness makes driving or work unsafe.
- A bed partner notices loud snoring, gasping, or pauses in breathing.
- You are thinking about using sleep medicines, alcohol, or other substances to sleep, or you already are.
- You have questions about any medication, supplement, or remedy.
Doctors can look for medical causes and talk with you about evidence-based options, including non-medication approaches to insomnia offered by trained clinicians. Never start, stop, or change a medication without talking with a doctor or pharmacist.
GGN practiceWorry Parking (about 10 minutes, early evening)
This practice gives your worries a place to wait, so they are less likely to keep you up. Do it at least two hours before bed. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left, write every worry, task, and "I have to remember" thought that is on your mind. Paperwork, phone calls, family tensions, money, anything. On the right, next to each item, write one small next step and roughly when you could do it. For some items, the step might be "Ask my brother for help" or "Nothing I can do tonight." For anything to do with grief itself, like missing the person, you can write "This is love. It can wait with me." Fold the paper and put it somewhere outside your bedroom. If a worry comes back at bedtime, remind yourself, "It's parked. I'll pick it up tomorrow." Notes: If your list includes thoughts of not wanting to live, please do not park those. Call or text 988 now, or call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
Fictional storyFictional Story 4.1: Andre's nights
Andre, 45, lost his teenage son six months ago. He falls asleep on the couch with the TV on, wakes at 2 a.m., and scrolls on his phone until dawn. He has started having two or three drinks each night "to knock himself out," and he nearly fell asleep driving to work last week. Questions to consider:
- Which habits might be making Andre's sleep worse?
- What small changes could he try?
- Which details mean he should see a doctor soon?
Discussion: Falling asleep with the TV on, scrolling at night, and drinking to sleep all tend to disturb sleep. He might start with one change, such as a steady wake time or a short wind-down without screens. But nearly falling asleep while driving and drinking to sleep are clear reasons to see his doctor soon, and to avoid driving while drowsy. Given the depth of his loss, he may also benefit from grief support and from talking with a licensed mental health professional. If nights bring thoughts of not wanting to live, he can call or text 988 at any hour.
Reflection Prompts
- How has your sleep changed since your loss?
- Which one sleep habit would be easiest for you to try this week?
- What would be on your night-waking plan?