Everyone deserves to grieve openly and to have their losses recognized. Yet LGBTQ+ people often face extra challenges in grief. Relationships may not be fully acknowledged by families, institutions, or communities. Chosen family may be left out of decisions and rituals. People may grieve while also facing discrimination or rejection. This article speaks honestly about these challenges and how to find support.

When relationships are not recognized

Many LGBTQ+ people have relationships that others do not fully respect. A partner may be excluded from hospital rooms, funeral planning, or decisions about belongings. Family members who did not accept the relationship may take control after a death. A partner may be introduced as a friend or left out entirely.

This kind of exclusion can turn grief into a double wound: the loss of the person and the denial of the relationship. If this is happening to you, your grief is still real and valid. You have a right to mourn the person you loved.

Legal documents, such as wills, powers of attorney, and healthcare proxies, can protect partners and chosen family. If you have not yet put these in place for yourself, it may be worth doing so.

Chosen family

Many LGBTQ+ people build chosen families: close friends and community members who provide love and support, sometimes in place of families of origin. When someone in your chosen family dies, the grief can be as deep as losing a relative. Yet others may not understand the depth of the bond.

Your grief for chosen family is real. Seek out people who understand what that person meant to you.

Grieving someone who was not accepted

If the person who died was LGBTQ+, families may present their life in ways that erase who they were. A transgender person may be referred to by a name they no longer used, or by the wrong pronouns, in obituaries or at services. A partner may be omitted. This can be deeply painful for loved ones who knew them fully.

Some communities hold their own memorials to honor the person as they truly were. You can also find personal ways to remember them, using their name and celebrating their life.

Grief and rejection

Some LGBTQ+ people grieve family members who rejected them. When a parent or relative who did not accept you dies, you may feel sadness, anger, relief, or regret. You may grieve the relationship you never had. These mixed feelings are valid.

You may also face pressure to attend services where you do not feel safe or welcome. It is okay to make choices that protect your well being, including grieving in your own way.

Collective and historical grief

Many LGBTQ+ communities carry shared grief from past and present losses, including illness, violence, and discrimination. Older LGBTQ+ people may have lost many friends and partners over the years. When a new loss happens, it can stir up these older layers of grief. Community memorials and shared remembrance can help.

Finding affirming support

Not every grief support service is welcoming to LGBTQ+ people. You may worry about judgment or having to explain your relationship. Look for counselors, groups, and faith communities that are known to be affirming. Many LGBTQ+ community centers offer grief support or can recommend resources. Online groups can also offer connection.

Mental health and safety

LGBTQ+ people, especially youth and transgender people, face higher risk of suicidal thoughts, often because of discrimination and rejection. Grief can add to this risk. This is an honest reason to make sure support is in place.

If you have thoughts of ending your life, or feel unable to keep yourself safe, please reach out right away. In the United States, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Older LGBTQ+ adults

Older LGBTQ+ adults may have lived through times when their relationships were hidden or unprotected by law. They may have fewer family ties and rely more heavily on friends and partners. When a partner or close friend dies, the loss can be especially isolating. Community organizations that serve older LGBTQ+ adults can help with connection and support.

Building your own rituals

If traditional services do not reflect who your loved one was, you can create your own. Some people hold gatherings with chosen family, share music and stories that truly represent the person, or mark Pride or other community events in their memory.

When to get help

Consider reaching out to an affirming grief counselor or support group if grief feels overwhelming, if you feel isolated or excluded, or if you are struggling to function. You deserve care that respects who you are and who you loved.

Speaking up and protecting your rights

If you are being shut out of decisions or rituals, it can help to have an advocate. A trusted friend, an attorney, or an LGBTQ+ community organization may be able to help you understand your rights, communicate with family, or plan an alternative memorial. Standing up for your relationship can be exhausting, so share the load where you can.

Grief that is not seen by others

When the wider world does not recognize your loss, you may hide your grief at work or in public. Over time, this can be draining. Finding even one place where you can grieve openly, with people who understand, can bring real relief. Your love deserves to be seen, and so does your loss.

For people supporting an LGBTQ+ person in grief

Recognize their relationship fully. Use the correct names and pronouns for both the grieving person and the person who died. Include partners and chosen family in rituals and decisions. Speak up if you see someone being excluded.

For practitioners

  • Recognize disenfranchised grief when relationships and identities are not acknowledged.
  • Validate chosen family as significant relationships.
  • Use correct names and pronouns, and honor the identity of the person who died.
  • Address grief tied to family rejection and mixed emotions.
  • Be aware of collective and historical grief within communities.
  • Provide or refer to affirming services, assess suicide risk, and share 988 and 911.