Objectives
By the end of this module you will be able to:
- Describe changes in mood, thinking, behavior, functioning, and safety that may signal a need for more support.
- Explain why patterns over time matter more than single moments.
- Describe what you see in neutral, observable language instead of labels.
- Recognize how grief may look different in children, teens, older adults, and across cultures.
Lesson
Look for change, duration, and impact
Most grief reactions, even intense ones, are not cause for alarm on their own. What deserves attention is a pattern. GGN Lantern uses three simple questions:
- Change: Is this different from how the person usually is, including how they usually are in grief?
- Duration: Has it lasted for weeks rather than days, or is it getting worse instead of slowly easing?
- Impact: Is it getting in the way of the person's ability to care for themselves, their family, their work, or their safety?
When the answer to two or three of these is yes, it is a good time to open a conversation (Module 3) and to think about a bridge to professional help (Module 4).
Changes worth noticing
The following are not a checklist for diagnosis. They are examples of changes that suggest a grieving person might need more support:
| Area | Examples you might notice |
|---|---|
| Mood | Sadness that has turned into hopelessness; no moments of relief at all; persistent intense guilt or worthlessness; irritability or anger that is new and constant. |
| Thinking | Saying they are a burden; talking about having no future; being unable to make even small decisions for weeks; constant fear or panic. |
| Behavior | Pulling away from everyone; drinking or using drugs more; stopping medications; taking unusual risks; giving away belongings. |
| Daily functioning | Not eating, not bathing, missing work repeatedly, not caring for children or pets, bills and mail piling up for weeks. |
| Body and sleep | Barely sleeping or sleeping most of the day for weeks; new physical symptoms that have not been checked by a doctor. |
| Safety | Talking about wanting to die or to join the person who died; looking for ways to end their life. These require action right away (Module 5). |
Words that describe, not diagnose
Labels can feel like judgments and can be wrong. Observations are respectful and accurate. Compare:
| Label (avoid) | Observation (prefer) |
|---|---|
| "You're depressed." | "I've noticed you haven't been out of the house in a few weeks." |
| "You're an alcoholic now." | "I've noticed you've been drinking more in the evenings since the funeral." |
| "You're not coping." | "You mentioned you haven't been sleeping. How are the nights?" |
| "You need to get over this." | "I know this has been so hard. I'm wondering how you're really doing." |
Grief looks different in different people
- Children may show grief through play, behavior changes, clinginess, school problems, or physical complaints like stomachaches. They may seem fine one minute and upset the next. That is common. Persistent changes in eating, sleeping, school, or safety, or talk of wanting to be with the person who died, deserve a conversation with a pediatrician or school counselor.
- Teens may grieve privately or with friends rather than family. Watch for withdrawal from friends too, sharp drops in school functioning, risk-taking, or substance use.
- Older adults may be grieving several losses at once, and may minimize their struggles or describe them mainly as physical. Isolation is a particular risk.
- Culture and faith shape how grief is expressed. Loud wailing, long periods of formal mourning, quiet restraint, or daily prayer may all be healthy. Ask what is usual for this person and their community rather than comparing them to your own expectations.
GGN practiceChanges Snapshot (about 10 minutes, with paper)
Use this when you are worried about someone and want to sort out your thoughts before talking to them. Draw three columns on a sheet of paper. Label them "What I've noticed," "Since when," and "How it affects their life." In the first column, write only things you have seen or heard. Avoid labels. For example: "Not answering texts for three weeks," not "depressed." In the second column, note roughly when each change started and whether it is easing, steady, or getting worse. In the third column, write how each change is affecting their health, relationships, work, or safety, if you know. Circle anything that involves safety. If anything relates to thoughts of suicide or harming themselves, stop here and go to Module 5: call or text 988 with them or for guidance, or call 911 if there is immediate danger. Look at the whole page. Choose one or two observations you could share kindly in a conversation. Notes: Keep this sheet private. It is a tool for your own clarity, not a record to show others or a case file.
Fictional storyFictional Story 2.1: Dev at work
Dev, 41, returned to work two weeks after his wife died in a car crash. His manager, Hannah, noticed that he seemed focused at first. Now, three months later, he has missed several Monday mornings, smells of alcohol at a lunch meeting, and snapped at a colleague, which is unlike him. In the break room he said, "I just need to get through the day." Questions to consider:
- Use the change, duration, and impact questions. What does Hannah notice?
- How could Hannah describe what she sees without labeling Dev?
- What should Hannah avoid saying?
Discussion: Hannah sees clear changes (missed mornings, alcohol at work, irritability), lasting weeks and affecting his work. A respectful start might be: "Dev, I've noticed some Mondays have been hard, and you haven't seemed like yourself. I care about how you're doing." She should avoid labels like "drinking problem," avoid threats in a first caring conversation, and be ready to share resources such as an employee assistance program, his doctor, or 988 if safety comes up.
Reflection Prompts
- Think of someone you have grieved with. What changes in them told you they were struggling, and what told you they were coping?
- Which label do you find yourself reaching for most easily? How could you turn it into an observation?
- How did your family or culture express grief? How might that shape what you consider "normal"?